Wee Willy Winkie

Well the socks finally escaped from the drawer and attached themselves to my feet. The

The socks are gathering

gas fire was lit for the first time at the weekend so it’s all downhill from here on in until next spring. Two years ago Spain had the wettest winter in 50 years, last winter was the driest since records began and this winter has started really wet. Great weather for ducks and all the areas affected by the horrific summer fires as the countryside greens up again.

For over 15 years my glasses prescription had remained the same but then over the summer reading gradually became more difficult and worse still my pool playing became so bad that the wife started to beat me on a regular basis. Enough was enough and I realised middle age was blurrily staring at me in the face and varifocals were the answer. The lovely opticians in Albox I have used for years gave me the most high tech and free examination I could imagine and less than a week later my new glasses are now in place. Within 24 hours and by complete coincidence I happened to visit a bar with a pool table and can confirm my sight has returned along with my Mojo. Oh I can read again too.

Believers in Feng shui know that leaving the toilet lid up means wealth will flow out of the household. There is also the constant battle between the sexes about whether the toilet seat should be left up or down. When I was a teenager a friend of mine told me of when he was 4 and quietly minding his business having a pee when his mate crept up and slammed the toilet seat down so cutting the tip of his Wee Willy Winkie off. Luckily he was rushed to hospital and the missing part stitched back on. I shudder as I write this as no doubt my fellow males will when reading this too. The film Misery and the ‘legs’ scene has the same effect, why did he place the penguin ornament the wrong way round?

In the interests of accuracy I checked online to confirm what the ornament was that Paul Sheldon dropped that caused Misery to ‘do that thing’, in doing so I discovered a chilling fact about Stephen King the author of the book the film was based on. Apparently in the late 1970s Stephen King was leaving a New York film studio when a man approached him with a dangerous look in his eyes. The man said he was Kings biggest fan and asked to pose in a photograph with him. Stephen King signed a photo for him and always remembered the man’s name. That man was Mark Chapman, who a year or so later in 1980, gunned down John Lennon in similar circumstances.

I digress so back to toilet seats; they have worried me ever since the chopping off tale and in our house we have a kamikaze toilet seat that drops without warning at lightning speed. Getting older means a night time visit for a pee is a regular occurrence and I always stand in the dark fearful of the invisible guillotine waiting to cut me off in my prime!