Important advice

Quiet holiday anyone

How to plant a tree, civvy street version; in autumn dig a hole, putting compost or mulch at the bottom, carefully place the tree in the hole making sure the roots are untangled to enable them to grow to anchor the tree for the future. Then using a mix of soil and compost fill the hole in, pressing down firmly yet gently to leave a shallow depression. This ensures water can collect around the base of the tree with no run off. Water liberally and again every few days for a month. After that once weekly will do for the next year until the tree is established.

Spanish council employee version; buy the tree from a relation of the Mayor as luckily they will own a garden centre. Pay full price with a little extra on top to ensure the tree is top quality. Take delivery of the tree in late spring making sure it’s thrown roughly from the truck, then leave the tree to dry out in the sun for a few days. Return with 3 colleagues to watch another man dig the hole. Plonk the tree in any old how ensuring an empty fag packet and a half eaten sandwich go in too as fertilizer. Then stamp it down really hard to ensure its set like concrete, maybe it will be vertical, maybe not. Water it only if there is time before lunch or pee on it instead. Finally walk away never to return, this last instruction is really important as if the tree survives all this it’s bad news for future employment; best the tree dies so it can be dug up and the tax payers will pay next year to repeat the process.

How to water plants civvy street version; as plants drink at night its best to wait until after sunset. The plants will get maximum benefit as less water evaporates as its cooler. If using a watering system ensure all water jets are working and are pointed towards the plants to conserve water. Banks, ridges and canals can be formed to ensure even coverage of the water so it flows to where needed. Repeat as necessary during the season.

How to water plants Spanish council employee version; clock in about morning time, light a fag and stop for breakfast, then turn on the tap whilst adjusting the spray on the hosepipe to the fine mist setting and leisurely spray all the leaves. Tax payers will be proud to see their council employees working hard in the heat of the day and be more understanding when the plants need to be replaced when they either scorch or die from a lack of water reaching the roots. When using lawn sprinklers and irrigation systems, ensure they are only turned on in the day time to ensure maximum evaporation. Also only half the water is to be aimed at the plants, the rest should pour onto the tarmac. This ensures extra water usage so helping the Mayors other relation who coincidentally runs the local water company.

Joking apart, in Almeria the President of Galasa the state owned and largest water company in the region also just happens to be the President f the Govt. of Almeria. Jobs for the boys, conflict of interest, cronyisn? Never!

Lastly to reinforce in the public eye just how hard council employees work, make sure that anything needing doing on the beach is done once holiday season starts. Perhaps block off access to the sea entirely and drive up and down the beach on heavy machinery. So when holidaymakers come down to the beach, instead of idling their hours away in peace and quiet they can see and hear how their taxes are spent!